Look to live- treatment for the wounded spirit.

My time as a teenager is instructive to me.

The day to day details of my life then are vague.

However, how I felt through those years remains with me.

I'm thankful for this.

It's made me a better mother.

I remember vividly the feelings that overcame me when I made stupid choices.

I remember the feelings that led me to make those stupid choices.

I remember how my spirit suffered.

Like our bodies our spirits can be wounded.

Wounded by 

sin, 

pain, 

anger, 

sorrow,

and

regret.

I sliced my finger once while opening a can of tomato sauce.

I treated the wound, and covered it with a band-aid

It took awhile for it to heal.

 I don't hurt myself physically everyday.

But, everyday my spirit gets "sliced".

  How do I treat the wound?

Through the Atonement.

Through Christ I can heal.

But,

I must confess.

This is not always my first treatment option.

The treatment is easy enough-

Sincere prayer often.

Repentance in those prayers.

Reading, pondering and applying the words of Christ

found in the scriptures.

 Living the commandments of God.

In the past as I've read of Moses and the brazen serpent

I've always been shocked that some did not look so they could live.

Why, when it was so easy?

Today.

I ask this of myself.

Do I look to live?

Spiritual death is all to real.

I see it in the faces of those who don't know the treatment. 

I've been taught.

Repent.

Pray.

Read.

Obey.

Love.

 I find myself turning to other means to treat my wounds.

Artificial means.

Most often the kinds of things 

that dull my senses.

Dull my feelings

or mask them. 

Eating too much.

Surfing the web way too long.

Shopping without $$ (Retail therapy)

I can't see the wounds to my spirit,

but they are very real.

It's not always easy to see,

to feel.

If I'm honest with myself.

If I drown out all the things that pull my attention

from my heart.

If I pray out loud.

I hear,

I feel,

I know that the wounds are there.

I am not perfect.

I get angry.

I get prideful.

I do lots of things that tear at my heart.

My soul gets week.

Diseased if I don't look to live.

I want to overcome.

I want to heal.

I want to be whole.

 

My worth.

 I was under the weather today.I'm not feeling horrible,but I'm not 100%.Feeling really lazy and tired.I think tomorrow I'll go for a walk-jog.I need to get moving again.I spent most of the day in bed.I did some research on starting up my own business.Photography business.Is it for me?Am I afraid to fail?Am I good enough to charge for my hobby?Will people like me?I laid in bed.Mascara smeared.Room a mess.House a mess.Didn't do much at all today.I have a tough time feeling good about me,whenmy to do list isn't touched by day's end,Jeff walks in the door and I look like I just woke up.I've always felt like my worth is attached,to my accomplishments.I shouldn't.I try not to.But sometimes I do.Being.Doing.Becoming.There is work to do.Am I enough.Don't compare to that girl on that blog.Don't compare to the girl at church.Don't compare to the girl in line. Who am I?What is important to me?What makes me smile?What makes me cry?I am unique.Think about why I'm me.I won't find me,when the list is done,on Pinterest,or on any .com.How do I stand alonein my own skinhappy, content,comfortable? Faith!Faith in God.He's more than me.He's more than all the stuff.A foundation.Build my life on that.Earnest study,understanding,prayingpondering.Trying,repenting.Doing His will.Not mine.
 

 ♥

a 2011 goal & no school monday & a good question

Menu planning.

Spending less.

Stop forgetting my list.

A toothbrush was on my list. I forgot the list.  I used to my husband's toothbrush.

Don't judge me.

Today  there is no school.

: The girls and I are going to break out our brand new Singer Talent Sewing Machine, Modge Podge, and some pretty paper to attempt this-

I've been lacking in the crafting department for about 6 years.

My little girls are begging for time with mom, and crafts,

so this mom is going to sew today.

I don't sew so we'll see.

One question.
Did you know there are a gazillion ideas on the web?
I haven't really looked.
Holy Moly.
It was 5:00 am.
I was on my lap top in bed.
I totally got sucked into the www.

Now I want to be a crafty mama, a photo mama,
a cleaning mama, a baking mama, a blog mama,
an etsy mama, an organized mama, a decorating mama, a trendy mama.

The internet is a great tool, but good grief.

Can anything else in the world make a girl feel like being a mama is not enough?

♥

Dissecting my feelings

Still doing better.

Walked outside this morning to look for the bus while the boys shoveled their cereal. (We all woke up kind of late this morning.)

The air smelled like I always remember it smelling when the school year is drawing to an end.

SUMMER

The kids are doing fun activities at school. I always loved Field Day- eating outside and throwing a softball the farthest. I had a really good arm.

Today-
I'm working on planting some flowers, having a picnic with the girls, and doing bills while listening to a parenting CD.

Tonight-
Eat dinner outside- maybe with some soft music and candles. I'm usually not too frilly with my family dinner time but I feel like doing something different tonight.

I'd like to read my book again, but out on the back porch. I walked out there last night after the kids were all in bed and I was heading to my bed, it looked so inviting. Just sit on my rocker and CHILL, REFLECT, and PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK.

This week-
Planning Summer.
Dissecting my feelings. Finding out that I'm willing to spend time on things I can control. I also hate to fail. Somehow its programed in my head that I can't.
So combine these feelings with Motherhood and guess what? It equals disaster on my heart. No wonder I want to work on things that I'm good at and spend time on everything else.

If you asked me to go play a game of tennis I would decline. I have NO idea how to play it. The only thing I know about tennis is something about LOVE? That's it.

If you ask me how to Parent. Yikes. I've read so many books, but in the thick of it, I react and rely on my emotions to dictate action.
Motherhood can not be calculated or controlled because every minute of every day is different. Most of time I wish I had a Linda Eyre at my house coaching me!!! Guess what though? I do have coach. I have the Spirit. Right? And if I cultivate that Spirit in my life I'll be more successful. And Prayer is a direct line to the ultimate coach.
(Do I have that faith? Is that why I've been so sporadic with my spiritual care since I held my first baby in my arms.?)
I'll admit- I am not consistent in this area of my life. I try for a couple of weeks and then I fizzle. Yet, I always expect that I should be able to run my life better than I do. That's like running my car on empty. Doesn't work.

I cannot control my kids. But if I do what I can to have that Spirit and do my best to be as Christlike as I can then eventually there will be a difference. If not now, later. When they're grown they will remember what it was like to mothered by me. Just like I remember my mom.

So, an experiment. (on his word)

Strive for the spirit EVERY day this summer. I'll have every one of my kids with me most of the time. More than ever I need those whispers- do this, do that.
Mother them, try more, don't worry about failing, don't think that my efforts are a waste of my time, teach them to work and serve. REFOCUS.

I can make my home beautiful this summer- painting, decorating.

OR

I can make my family beautiful. Its my choice.
I know I have more control with my home- but I'm not that business. My first priority is my family.

Everyone says they grow up fast. Maybe I should start to listen to that. Soon enough Abby will be in school and then I know me. The feelings of regret will settle in my heart.
I hate regret.
Its damning.
I hate shoulda's and coulda's.

I can't be afraid to fail motherhood.
If I spent more of my time and energy on how to deal with some of our family issues as much as I spend time on- paint colors, Blogging, my makeup, Facebook; I'll probably get better at it.

I'll feel more at peace when I hit my pillow at night.

I'll cut myself some slack, but I KNOW me, and I know what I think about most of my day.
That's why I've been so grumpy. The best part of me is saying, "Kim! Wake up!! Remember what is most important. Remember how you felt when your mom died. Remember that your relationship with your Savior, your husband and with your kids is most important. Do that first and every thing will be fine." DO THAT FIRST.

A couple more thoughts and then I've got to go wrestle with my girls.

My mom gave me a book- All the Time You Need: Mary Ellen Edmunds. I found it the other day. In the inside cover it says,
" Dearest Kim,
You are a wonderful mother to four beautiful children and I'm so very happy that you chose to be a mom in every sense of the word. I'm sure your Heavenly Parents are also pleased. Hang in there! Your childrens' lives will be your reward.
Love you much,
Mom"

And then inside the book something that pierced me.
Mary Ellens says,

"What are the things in your life to which you are intensely devoted and dedicated? What are the things you spend your time on- not just the amount of time, but your BEST time? Your children? The scriptures? Pondering? Exercising? Eating? A book club? Visiting? Attending the temple? Reading?

Lets say you had to drop four things from your life to free up some time. What would you drop? And how would you decide? For what would you drop everything? Your answers would reveal much about your priorities."

If I sat down and answered those questions honestly I would see that there was a need for improvement.


♥

Big plans

I woke up early with Jeff this morning, made his lunch, snuggled him on the couch, and kissed him off to work. I thought for a second that I might stay up and get something done, but my soft cozy bed was calling my name so I succumbed. I didn't fall asleep right away, I said my prayers like a good girl and then I decided to skim through a Pottery Barn Organizing Book. That got my brain working. I'm excited for a clean slate, a new start. I want to be organized in our house. I have grand plans. I'm realistic though and know that once me move in life will get busy. So right now I'm trying to make a plan. These are part of the plan. Aren't they pertty? I'm going to use them in my pantry.

And I have to say that this linen closet almost moves me to tears.

I'll also be on the lookout for one of these. I think it will work swell for keeping toys organized in the rec room.

♥