Dissecting my feelings

Still doing better.

Walked outside this morning to look for the bus while the boys shoveled their cereal. (We all woke up kind of late this morning.)

The air smelled like I always remember it smelling when the school year is drawing to an end.

SUMMER

The kids are doing fun activities at school. I always loved Field Day- eating outside and throwing a softball the farthest. I had a really good arm.

Today-
I'm working on planting some flowers, having a picnic with the girls, and doing bills while listening to a parenting CD.

Tonight-
Eat dinner outside- maybe with some soft music and candles. I'm usually not too frilly with my family dinner time but I feel like doing something different tonight.

I'd like to read my book again, but out on the back porch. I walked out there last night after the kids were all in bed and I was heading to my bed, it looked so inviting. Just sit on my rocker and CHILL, REFLECT, and PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK.

This week-
Planning Summer.
Dissecting my feelings. Finding out that I'm willing to spend time on things I can control. I also hate to fail. Somehow its programed in my head that I can't.
So combine these feelings with Motherhood and guess what? It equals disaster on my heart. No wonder I want to work on things that I'm good at and spend time on everything else.

If you asked me to go play a game of tennis I would decline. I have NO idea how to play it. The only thing I know about tennis is something about LOVE? That's it.

If you ask me how to Parent. Yikes. I've read so many books, but in the thick of it, I react and rely on my emotions to dictate action.
Motherhood can not be calculated or controlled because every minute of every day is different. Most of time I wish I had a Linda Eyre at my house coaching me!!! Guess what though? I do have coach. I have the Spirit. Right? And if I cultivate that Spirit in my life I'll be more successful. And Prayer is a direct line to the ultimate coach.
(Do I have that faith? Is that why I've been so sporadic with my spiritual care since I held my first baby in my arms.?)
I'll admit- I am not consistent in this area of my life. I try for a couple of weeks and then I fizzle. Yet, I always expect that I should be able to run my life better than I do. That's like running my car on empty. Doesn't work.

I cannot control my kids. But if I do what I can to have that Spirit and do my best to be as Christlike as I can then eventually there will be a difference. If not now, later. When they're grown they will remember what it was like to mothered by me. Just like I remember my mom.

So, an experiment. (on his word)

Strive for the spirit EVERY day this summer. I'll have every one of my kids with me most of the time. More than ever I need those whispers- do this, do that.
Mother them, try more, don't worry about failing, don't think that my efforts are a waste of my time, teach them to work and serve. REFOCUS.

I can make my home beautiful this summer- painting, decorating.

OR

I can make my family beautiful. Its my choice.
I know I have more control with my home- but I'm not that business. My first priority is my family.

Everyone says they grow up fast. Maybe I should start to listen to that. Soon enough Abby will be in school and then I know me. The feelings of regret will settle in my heart.
I hate regret.
Its damning.
I hate shoulda's and coulda's.

I can't be afraid to fail motherhood.
If I spent more of my time and energy on how to deal with some of our family issues as much as I spend time on- paint colors, Blogging, my makeup, Facebook; I'll probably get better at it.

I'll feel more at peace when I hit my pillow at night.

I'll cut myself some slack, but I KNOW me, and I know what I think about most of my day.
That's why I've been so grumpy. The best part of me is saying, "Kim! Wake up!! Remember what is most important. Remember how you felt when your mom died. Remember that your relationship with your Savior, your husband and with your kids is most important. Do that first and every thing will be fine." DO THAT FIRST.

A couple more thoughts and then I've got to go wrestle with my girls.

My mom gave me a book- All the Time You Need: Mary Ellen Edmunds. I found it the other day. In the inside cover it says,
" Dearest Kim,
You are a wonderful mother to four beautiful children and I'm so very happy that you chose to be a mom in every sense of the word. I'm sure your Heavenly Parents are also pleased. Hang in there! Your childrens' lives will be your reward.
Love you much,
Mom"

And then inside the book something that pierced me.
Mary Ellens says,

"What are the things in your life to which you are intensely devoted and dedicated? What are the things you spend your time on- not just the amount of time, but your BEST time? Your children? The scriptures? Pondering? Exercising? Eating? A book club? Visiting? Attending the temple? Reading?

Lets say you had to drop four things from your life to free up some time. What would you drop? And how would you decide? For what would you drop everything? Your answers would reveal much about your priorities."

If I sat down and answered those questions honestly I would see that there was a need for improvement.


♥