Look to live- treatment for the wounded spirit.

My time as a teenager is instructive to me.

The day to day details of my life then are vague.

However, how I felt through those years remains with me.

I'm thankful for this.

It's made me a better mother.

I remember vividly the feelings that overcame me when I made stupid choices.

I remember the feelings that led me to make those stupid choices.

I remember how my spirit suffered.

Like our bodies our spirits can be wounded.

Wounded by 

sin, 

pain, 

anger, 

sorrow,

and

regret.

I sliced my finger once while opening a can of tomato sauce.

I treated the wound, and covered it with a band-aid

It took awhile for it to heal.

 I don't hurt myself physically everyday.

But, everyday my spirit gets "sliced".

  How do I treat the wound?

Through the Atonement.

Through Christ I can heal.

But,

I must confess.

This is not always my first treatment option.

The treatment is easy enough-

Sincere prayer often.

Repentance in those prayers.

Reading, pondering and applying the words of Christ

found in the scriptures.

 Living the commandments of God.

In the past as I've read of Moses and the brazen serpent

I've always been shocked that some did not look so they could live.

Why, when it was so easy?

Today.

I ask this of myself.

Do I look to live?

Spiritual death is all to real.

I see it in the faces of those who don't know the treatment. 

I've been taught.

Repent.

Pray.

Read.

Obey.

Love.

 I find myself turning to other means to treat my wounds.

Artificial means.

Most often the kinds of things 

that dull my senses.

Dull my feelings

or mask them. 

Eating too much.

Surfing the web way too long.

Shopping without $$ (Retail therapy)

I can't see the wounds to my spirit,

but they are very real.

It's not always easy to see,

to feel.

If I'm honest with myself.

If I drown out all the things that pull my attention

from my heart.

If I pray out loud.

I hear,

I feel,

I know that the wounds are there.

I am not perfect.

I get angry.

I get prideful.

I do lots of things that tear at my heart.

My soul gets week.

Diseased if I don't look to live.

I want to overcome.

I want to heal.

I want to be whole.

 

Live like this.

I read this today.

I'm posting it on the mirror,

in the bathroom that we all use the most.

I want us to read and reread.

I want to live this quote.

I feel strongly that I have good to share.

this quote is taken 
from Sheri L. Dew's Book

No One Can Take Your Place

 President Gordon B. Hinckley

BYU speeches 1996-97

"You are good. But it is not enough just to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others.

I do not suppose that any of us here this day will be remembered a thousand years from now. I do not suppose that we will be remembered a century from now. 

But in this world so filled with problems, so constantly threatened by dark and evil challenges, you can and must rise above mediocrity, above indifference. You can become involved and speak with a strong voice for that which is right."

My worth.

 I was under the weather today.I'm not feeling horrible,but I'm not 100%.Feeling really lazy and tired.I think tomorrow I'll go for a walk-jog.I need to get moving again.I spent most of the day in bed.I did some research on starting up my own business.Photography business.Is it for me?Am I afraid to fail?Am I good enough to charge for my hobby?Will people like me?I laid in bed.Mascara smeared.Room a mess.House a mess.Didn't do much at all today.I have a tough time feeling good about me,whenmy to do list isn't touched by day's end,Jeff walks in the door and I look like I just woke up.I've always felt like my worth is attached,to my accomplishments.I shouldn't.I try not to.But sometimes I do.Being.Doing.Becoming.There is work to do.Am I enough.Don't compare to that girl on that blog.Don't compare to the girl at church.Don't compare to the girl in line. Who am I?What is important to me?What makes me smile?What makes me cry?I am unique.Think about why I'm me.I won't find me,when the list is done,on Pinterest,or on any .com.How do I stand alonein my own skinhappy, content,comfortable? Faith!Faith in God.He's more than me.He's more than all the stuff.A foundation.Build my life on that.Earnest study,understanding,prayingpondering.Trying,repenting.Doing His will.Not mine.
 

 ♥

The right thing to do.

  I skipped out on Zumba today.I made a difficult decision last week.The music is so easy to dance to.I dance like I'm all alone.It's been my favorite exercise for a couple of years.But,sometimes the music is too sexual.
I will walk out when the song is bad.But last week I stayed for one song.It wasn't too bad.The moves though.All that was missing were poles.Its tempting to move like that.I felt uncomfortable.I knew it was wrong. 
 I thought,If my bishop walked by?If Jeff were here?Can my mom see me right now?Would I ever let Whitney come with me?It's not righteous. I started to rationalize.It's my favorite cardio.This is why I joined the gym.I'll just make sure I leave when its bad.How will I get these 10 lbs off? I love the instructor, she knows me. I called my sister.I talked it out with her.She agreed.Slippery slope.I can't stand for truth, for rightwhile I'm dancing like that. I'm sad.I LOVE to dance. I told my kids what I did.I told them why I can't go anymore.They know how much I loved it.It's the kind of thing I've taught them,better step up and do it myself.Spin class with have to do for now. 


 ♥

Happy to be loved.

 

  Jeff has 10 days off!He has been fixing things and helping around the house. He got the kids up at 5:00,he took them exploring: to find owls, and bald eagles.
I love him! Our marriage isn't perfect.I'm late sometimes.He doesn't like that.We get irritated,stressed,overwhelmed.We don't deal with it the way we should. But,we work through it. We both want the same thing.We want to be friends.We want to be together for our kids.We want to retire together,go on missions.We want happiness, we want to be loved.Its awesome to be with someone,who wants what I want.
There's an article that is awesome.

 HereI just read it.We have some things to work on.January is a perfect time to start.
 ♥

Life goes on with new perspective.

Since my mom's death I've felt an extraordinary closeness to the spirit and I'm craving music. Good music. The last several months I've wanted so bad to carry the spirit I feel in my Sunday meetings into the week and throughout each day. There are sporadic times of stillness and peace where the spirit is felt in my heart and in my home, but I wouldn't say that it abounds. Watching my mom leave this earth has changed me in so many ways. I don't want to lose that spirit that I felt when she left. I'm finding that listening to Sunday music all week long is making a HUGE difference for me. I feel the strength of her life weaving through my own life. I have an intense desire to live a more Christ centered life.

I feel close to Heaven. Close to the Savior. Without him I would not be able to hug my mom ever again. All my life I've been taught what happens after we die. Its only until now that I've had to rely and test my faith in this principle. I KNOW it is true. I could stand on my roof top and shout it to the world that I KNOW.

Along with all of this has been the game of catch-up. Life for me, was on hold while I was by my mom's side. Unfortunately time kept ticking while my mom was dying and therefore, bills are due, cupboards had to be restocked and I had to brave Wal-Mart the day before school started to buy school supplies. I DON'T RECOMMEND IT FOR SANENESS.

Through it all there lurks an emptiness. As I drove up to my house after I had dropped the boys off on their first day of school, the thought came to me to call my mom and tell her how excited I was to have only my two girls for 8 hours!! Of coarse, I quickly remembered that mom is gone. (Devon told me that its too bad that there's no cell phones in Heaven.)

It feels unreal. The full puzzle of my life is missing a piece. My friend Tami said, "The universe feels different when your Mom is gone and you feel things that you have never felt before. It feels as if you are in a different world than before, and I suppose that in a sense you are. No one can take the place of our Mom's and there is an empty spot in our hearts, and it is OK, and we will be OK."

I will be OK. There are moments of sadness but life goes on and I have my little family to love and teach like my mom taught me. My children will know my mother because they know me. I will keep her memory alive by living the way she did. I feel a better sense of how to comfort others and want to reach out more to my friends and family. I get to wrapped up in my own life and rarely reach out.

I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for dear friends and family that sought me out and helped me through this. I've felt so much love. Thanks Marilyn and Tiffani, Angie, Missy, Noelle, Laura, Nicole, Libbie, Tara, Janene, Pat, Cheryl, Debbie, Sally, Denise, Doug, Amy, Shelli and Trevor, Judy, Kemi and Chris, Dallin and Devon- my Boys, Dennis and Sandra, DeLynn, Jeff H., Mary Ann, Sherri, and Mel, my brothers, my dad, my sweet husband. I love you all.