Thoughts of mom, of life, of faith, of death...

...so many thoughts in my head. I can't even begin to put into words my feelings but I will try because I know that I want to remember how I feel right now. The thing I keep thinking about the most is that I want to be a better mom. Looking back I remember how sweet and patient she was with us. There were times when I remember contention in our home but it was hardly ever due to her. My mom had seven kids. While I was growing up my two older brothers were out of the house. They are 10 and 13 years older than me and and the four siblings under me. So mom was raising 5 kids while at the same time she had grandkids. The space was not on purpose. She had a very difficult time getting pregnant with me.
My sisters and I have been organizing pictures. letters, etc. and I found this poem that I wrote to my mom.

Before My Birth

I know I must have been extactic before I came to earth,

for I knew that you'd be my mother after my long awaited birth.

You had to wait so very long to have me and I don't know why,

it hurt so much to see you cry.

But Father in Heaven had a reason, I guess

maybe it was part of a mortal test.

I watched you pray and fast,

and then I came at last.

A red-headed daughter with big brown eyes,

Oh! What a blessing it was and a big surprise.

You held me in your arms and wouldn't let me go,

when the nurses asked if I was with you, you said, "No".

As mother and daughter we bonded together,

the match was perfect and oh how clever.

Heavenly Father loves me so much, he sent me to you

if I had never know you mom I don't know what I'd do.

I love you so much and I want you to know,

that my love for hyou will continue to grow.

Everyday of my life,

even as a wife.

And when I have children of my own,

I will make it known...

That I have the best mother on earth,

Yes a great one, the one who gave me birth.

I think I wrote the poem sometime during my freshman year of highschool.

We've also been taking turns typing up her journal. I LOVE READING HER JOURNAL AND REALIZING THAT SHE STRUGGLED WITH SOME OF THE SAME THINGS THAT I DO. She wrote about going to a church meeting that really got her thinking about working on her goals and trying to stay close to the spirit. A few entries later she told of her difficulty with keeping that same fire she had felt during the meeting constant in her life. I struggle so much with the same thing. I know I'm not alone. The great challenge in this life is overcoming the carnal nature of oneself and relying and working more to strengthen the spirit. As I've read over her journal its a blessing to know that she was faithful, thoughtful, and close to her Heavenly Father. She writes about the joy she feels when her children live the gospel. The last couple of weeks have caused me to reflect and measure my life and my own righteous desires. I feel very close to the Lord and want to live the principles of the gospel with my whole heart. A couple of weeks ago before my mom really started to go down hill, she was talking about how disheartning is was to watch movies and know others that watch movies that are claimed as good. She said, " People have told me how good this or that movie is so I watch it, and its NOT good. Immorality is the main focus, its portrayed as okay, as a standard. (These weren't her exact words, but close to them.) I've thought in depth about where I stand and if my standards are in line with the Lord's. I need to do better. I want to be more valiant.

I'm really having a difficult time today. I've felt strong the whole time. But today has been so hard. She's one of the only people that knows me as much as I know myself. Whenever we've talked I've always come away with a lift and knew that she loved and appreciated who I am.

It breaks my heart to see her so close and watch my dad cry at her bedside. She's at the brink but her body keeps going. I didn't know death could be like this. I didn't know that I'd ever wish her to go.

Yesterday at church I felt an overwhelming feeling of love and concern. It took everything I had to keep from sobbing all through church. So many peole adored her, and I'm essentially in the ward I grew up in. It felt like Heaven to be with those who love our family. I feel prayers in my behalf. I feel God's love through the love of those around me.