Warning: Serious Thoughts about Motherhood

When I was trying to think of a title for my blog "The Family Circus" cartoon was my inspiration. I remember when I used to read these in the Sunday Comics. In a way they motivated me. The craziness it portrayed, strangely, didn't scare me. I would look at a comic like the one pictured and I would dream of how I could organize and run a home. I had visions of labeled containers, and a neatly typed emergency list in my kitchen, which by the way looked like it was right out of a pottery barn catalog. So naive... I know. I still am a little unrealistic when it comes to the demands of motherhood. I want so much to be perfectly balanced. For instance, the last six weeks I've been gung ho on getting in shape again. I have to say, I've done really well! But guess what? Although my physical strength has improved considerably, I can't say the same for my spiritual strength. I started out doing well in both areas but started to fizzle a couple of weeks into it. This happens a lot. I go in spurts. If I had to draw a line graph of my life and plot out the time spent on spiritual matters I'm pretty sure I wouldn't publish it! And the sad thing is, I am so much better when I do spend the time to center my life on the most important things. This morning I took time for personal prayer and read the conference Ensign. After I was done I worked out and I was so ready to face the day. I can actually say there was an extra spring in my step. My kids act so much better if I don't roll out of bed just in time to shove cheerios down their throat and shout at them to hurry so we won't be late. GO FIGURE. This morning we actually had time for family prayer. That brings another thought. I really want more peace in my home. I know I can't expect total tranquility. I know that the kids will bicker and that the whining and complaining will be around for awhile but I want peace in my heart to deal with it all in the best way. I want to be a Christlike parent. When things look like they do in comic pictured above I want to be the ROCK. I get so frazzled soooooo easily, but I've found when my life is centered I'm better able to cope. It still isn't what imagined it to be. I guess you can say I would like to run my family and my home like a CEO runs a company. I've spent 9 years working on it but can't seem to get everything ironed out. Probably because my "employees" aren't cooperating=).
I've always wanted to be a mom. (Well, first I wanted to be a marine biologist but that was a dream that simply would never come true because I am deathly afraid of the magnitude and mysteriousness of the ocean. Not to mention JAWS lives there, along with giant squid, and angler fish. 'Gives me the heeby jeebies just thinking about it!!!) Its always been my dream, I think I even mothered my roommates. I take my job way to seriously (the CEO thing may be a little overboard). I wish I could relax sometimes. In fact I got this email today and it was something I really needed to read.

WHAT KIND OF PARENT ARE YOU?

Strengthening the Family Circle

By Dayle Shockley

dayle@dayleshockley.com

Copyright 2007

I was enjoying an afternoon with a group of friends,

when the subject turned to parenting. "I'm so tired

of my son breaking every rule in the house," one

mother complained. Another mentioned her daughter's

sour attitude lately. Finally someone said, "We ought

to ground them until they turn 18."

That comment made us all laugh, but it also got me to

thinking about the grave responsibility parents have,

and the mistakes we often make with our children.

While parents aren't solely responsible for how their

children turn out, I do believe they are one of the

primary reasons a child either succeeds or fails in

life, for Proverbs 22:6 boldly declares: "Train a

child in the way he should go, and when he is old he

will not turn from it."

It is important for parents to raise their children

well, to be there during those formative years, and to

make every effort to see that they establish a firm

foundation upon which their children can build the

rest of their lives.

Is it an easy task? No. Being an effective parent is

the toughest, most time-consuming job around, and even

the best parents make mistakes. So what should we do

when it seems as if our best efforts fall short?

First, we can take our shortcomings to our Father,

asking Him for the wisdom we need as parents. James

1:5 says: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask

God who gives generously."

Second, we must be willing to honestly examine our

strategies and techniques. Are we handling our duties

as a parent in a mature and godly manner? Are there

changes we could make?

Here are a few profiles of ineffective parents, and

some possible solutions.

THE INSENSITIVE PARENT

Your pre-teen is struggling with his math homework.

You explain the problem for what seems like the

millionth time, but he still doesn't get it. "You're

just not trying," you tell him. Your child becomes

defensive. "Yes, I am!" He's on the verge of

tears, and who can blame him?

Insensitive parents believe they can read minds. If a

child stubs his toe and begins wailing, an insensitive

parent might say, "That didn't hurt." And if the

child protests, "Yes, it did!" An insensitive parent

might say, "It's just a little bump. How can that

hurt?"

That kind of behavior is exasperating to children,

often causing them to communicate as little as

possible with the parent, since nothing they say is

believed anyway. Why bother talking?

If you're an insensitive parent try turning statements

into questions. Instead of saying, "You're not

trying," ask, "Are you trying?" Then, acknowledge

your child's answer, and offer assistance. If a child

says he is trying, say, "I believe you. Now let's try

to work this out until it's clear."

How often have we brought our own struggles to our

Father, and when He offered us the solution, we failed

to comprehend? Instead of beating us over the head

with the fact that the answer is right in front of us,

God is longsuffering and patient as we struggle for

clarity. Ah, if only we would practice this with our

struggling children.

THE WEAK PARENT

You walk into your 13-year-old daughter's bedroom and

find her reading a popular teen magazine that you have

refused to buy her because you feel the material is

too advanced for her young eyes. After discovering she

got the magazine from a friend at church, you express

your disapproval and tell her to hand it over.

"But Mom," she pleads. "My friends read it. Can I

just read this one? Please?"

You want to remain firm, but you don't want to seem

like a stickin-the-mud either. So, against your

better judgment, you give in-just this once, mind you-

hating yourself for being so weak.

Weak parents are, by nature, sweet people. They don't

like to make waves and try keeping the peace at all

costs. That's why they have difficulty parenting.

They want to be liked by their children, so they make

every effort to please them. But let's face it.

Effective parents aren't usually popular. When you

are the rule maker and the rule enforcer, you can't

expect your children to always like you.

I have often told my teenager that my goal in life is

not to win a popularity contest with her. Whether she

likes me at all times is unimportant to me. I am

trying to raise her to be a decent and moral

individual.

If you're a weak parent, try setting only a few rules,

making sure the terms are clearly defined to your

children up front. Consider writing them down and

posting them in a convenient place. When the rules

are broken, stand up tall, speak in a firm voice, and

dole out the appropriate discipline.

Skillful musicians or athletes will tell you the

secret of their success comes from being disciplined.

The same is true at home. Without a firm hand of

discipline, your children have no compass by which to

travel, often growing up to be weak and careless in

every area of their lives.

"The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child

left to himself disgraces his mother," writes Solomon

in Proverbs 29:15. A few verses down, he says:

"Discipline your son, and he will give you peace;

he will bring delight to your soul."

Children know when they have a weak parent. And it

doesn't take long for them to take advantage of the

situation, often becoming involved in unwholesome

activities at an early age. For the sake of your

children, don't be a weakling!

THE SELF-CENTERED PARENT

At the end of a grueling week, you are relaxing on the

sofa when your 8-year-old son walks in and says, "Mom,

can we go to the zoo tomorrow?" You tell him, no,

you've worked hard all week and are going shopping

with a friend tomorrow. You deserve it.

"But I've worked hard at school all week, too, Mom."

your child says. "That's not fair."

The kid is right.

One of the most destructive parent is the self-

centered parent. Self-centered parents seldom admit

they are self-centered. They prefer words like "busy"

and "working." They often profess to be devoted

parents, providing the "best" for their children by

spending long hours at the office. But the truth is,

children need a parent's time more than anything money

can buy. You see, it takes lots of time to "train up

a child in the way he should go." Sadly, the self-

centered parent has little time to spare.

While we cannot provide the basic needs of our

children without money, I'm afraid many parents spend

long hours on the job for other reasons. There are

new houses to buy, fine cars to drive, and designer

clothes to wear. To consider dressing their child in

second-hand outfits, in order to allow one parent to

quit working, is unthinkable to many parents.

If you're away from your children from daylight to

dusk, ask God to help you see your motives in spending

so much time away from them. Ask Him to give you

wisdom in formulating a plan to spend more time with

them, and be willing to obey His leading.

We must be unselfish parents when our children are at

home, freely giving our time to the precious souls God

has entrusted to us.

"Give," Jesus says in Luke 6:38, "and it will be given

to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together

and running over will be poured into your lap. For

with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

I believe this formula for success will work in every

aspect of our lives, but none more rewarding-and more

important-than that of parenting.

THE NEGATIVE PARENT {I FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY, I'M A BUSY CEO AFTER ALL, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR TENTS}

It is lunch time on a balmy afternoon. You call your

children in from the backyard, where they are engaged

in serious play. "Mom, can we eat outside?" they ask.

Without batting an eye, you say, "No."

The favorite answer of all negative parents is -

predictably - no. Without thinking, the word rolls off

their tongues. The worst part about "no" parents is

they deprive their children of many wonderful

memories.

When my daughter had her first overnight guest, she

asked if they could make a "tent" in the house. A

tent? My first instinct was to say, "Are you kidding?"

But instead, I considered her request, and I thought,

What could it possibly hurt?

So I told them yes, a tent could be arranged. I

gathered old blankets and sleeping bags, spread them

over and under the dining table, brought in

flashlights, made snacks for them to eat, and even

shared a few ghost stories. They had a blast, and

still remember it today, years later. Had I said no,

there would be nothing to remember.

If you're a negative parent, force yourself to

silently count to ten before you tell your children

they can't play in the water sprinkler or eat lunch on

a blanket in the backyard. Getting into the "yes"

habit, when considering innocent activities, will

change your whole outlook on life. But more

important, the memories your children make will stay

with them forever.

Finally, no parent is perfect. But instead of trying

to be perfect, we should acknowledge our imperfections

to God. Instead of trying to be the Lord over our

children, we should ask God to be the Lord of our

lives. I am certain that when God is placed at the

head of our homes, and at the center of our lives, our

children will turn out just fine.

*****

Dayle Allen Shockley is an author whose work has

appeared in dozens of publications. Most

"Strengthening the Family Circle" articles originally

appeared in The Dallas Morning News